This one is really special to me, not because it took a longer time than any of the other ones, or because of the topic, but rather because it is the blooming of a new chapter in my life. As difficult, soul crushing, and painful as it has been, I have grown within my skin to a level that I didn’t know was possible before. I’m healing from a lot that I dealt with from a young age and recent times and through the discomfort of doing the things I have been scared of, I see growth. Even though I still feel mentally unstable at times, even though I’m experiencing physical symptoms that I have never before, I know that it will get better with time. Not because time heals, but because with time I will learn how to deal with it myself.
If 6 months ago you showed me this and told me that you are going to post this, I would tell you that there is zero chance… and that this is pure shit! Because I have always had an unhealthily high expectation of myself. But I realized by being that person I’m hurting myself and people who are closest to me. Perfectionism is something that I have seen many people deal with and the only thing I saw come out of it is more depression as you get stuck in that cycle and keep feeding yourself the negative a day after another. In order to break this cycle, I decided to do the uncomfortable thing. The one that I always wanted to do but never had believed in myself enough to do it. I did it for the feeling, for the enjoyment of the craft, and the vision rather than the outcome. The result is the second video being miles better than the first, even though I know I’m not living to my highest standards, I will not stop doing it because it’s not to that level.
This applies to many other things in my life as well. Such as my relationship with old friends, family members, hobbies that I once was passionate about. For the longest time, I used to take days replying to messages to people not because I was busy but because I wasn’t able to be fully present and have the same availability for them as I once had. Sounds sweet and harmless until people get forgotten, relationships break down and your loved ones start to think you don’t care about them anymore. All of this happens while I added more points of stress and anxiety to my life and on myself and chose not to do anything about them because they were not near perfect.
Moreover, these points of stress then cause my mental health and confidence to decline slowly and to become vulnerable to any negative thought about myself. I started to take everything personally and be someone who would internalize opinions and accusations that I know are false. Doubting myself and falling into a bigger pit with my mental health and wellbeing. Declining in personal life, relationships, and started losing myself to the idea of me not fitting in the perfect frame that through the negative thoughts I had put on myself.
There are things I have done that I regret doing. Things that I carry in my heart and wear on my chest every single day. They are mistakes and things that I’m not proud of. Saying this doesn’t mean I have found myself, I don’t think I ever will! But I am going to pursue it to live to my full potential as a person for myself, for my loved ones, and career.
You see, I can be diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, I might die in an accident tonight, my heart might just stop beating. These are the things that mostly are out of my control. I don’t know what is going to happen. All I know is that I might not ever be able to find peace and happiness in life. I truly still do not understand what it means and I think searching for it is a dull action as it will not allow you to live in the present moment. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest, love passionately, be scared of nothing or anyone, be the imperfect human whom I am with pride. It took me a long while to build the person who I am and as hurt as I am, and as much as I have hurt others, as difficult as it is to deal with depression, as much as the anxiety and the panic attacks ruin every single day for me in some sort of way, I will push through it. I am not scared anymore. I understand what fear is, I know where mine comes from and am working on my trauma to be free from it. More importantly than that, I know what love means to me. I want to love this life and people and die with a smile, knowing that the most important trait of mine wasn’t me being hardworking or a position I have, it was the warmness of heart that I made people I love feel. And this is only possible when you understand what it truly means to love yourself. For the longest time I felt like I do have love for myself. But when it was tested, I realized its foundation was never as strong as I thought it was. Knowing what I know about my behavior, patterns, my inner language, trauma, and who I have been to myself I know that I will grow from depression and anxiety. they might be friends that I will live the rest of my life with but I am learning to handle myself. I will learn to stop persecuting myself for everything because of the surveillance camera that was installed in me.
I never felt worthy of love, but now I understand why. I never loved myself the way I wanted to be loved. So when I started treating the little kid in me the way he always needed to be treated, my view shifted. I have so much debt to that kid!
To everyone else whom I know and don’t know, take mental health seriously. Go see a therapist. Talk to someone. The best thing I ever have done for myself is to try therapy one more time. Self love doesn’t mean to look nice and clean and change your wardrobe, start suddenly doing a skin care routine or any of that. Self love is to humanly love yourself the way you want to be loved by others. And then and only then will the people around you, your friends, partner, and family, truly feel your love. I don’t say this is completely correct, this is my experience. As I mentioned, there is no one size fits all solution on how to live our lives. this is just the result of my insomnia, anxiety, shaky hands, countless crying nights, and feeling lost within myself and my thoughts. I am by no means where I want to be mentally, emotionally, and physically. I’m in a lot of active pain. But if you take away everything from me, I will start over the next day. If it is my last day on this planet, I will spend it trying to become who I want to be. Who I want to be to myself, and how do I want to be loved and love.
This is special to me because it’s more than just a video, it’s the breakthrough of a perfectionist child whose only mission in life has always been to make his loved ones be proud of him. That kid now understands the importance and necessity of self love and self care. As difficult as this journey has been, I know I’m on the right track. Processing through trauma with proper care and support of the right people and most importantly, my own will, I will become the person I always wished to be, and give the love I always wanted to feel to myself. As bittersweet as my relationship with myself is, I understand the kid now. I am enough, I always was. But never felt like I was.
Love is the message,
Love is home,
Soroush